IT’S been brought to my attention that last week’s column broke the rules by looking back too far. So this one follows tradition and looks ahead to the New Year. Sort of.
In the event of freak weather – like two dry days in March which will make the pitches too hard – Ulster GAA has prepared a contingency plan to go do away with the Ulster Senior Football Championship and decide the matches in the boardroom.
All nine Ulster counties have been asked to prepare short statements setting out why they deserve to be handed the Anglo-Celt Cup in 2024.
Antrim
Keep it under your hat for now, but we have a brilliant idea of what to do with that E1million from JP McManus - we’re going to place a series of big bets on us Saffs to win Ulster.
To avoid suspicion we can put some of the cash on us just reaching the final; the bookies will still be queuing up to take our dockets.
Then we might re-invest some of it in a ‘Remember 1951′ double, adding in Mayo to take the All-Ireland – if that comes off then we’ll have more than enough money to #BuildCasement
Armagh
Armagh as Ulster champions would operate as an important strand of a new peace-building initiative. The home of Orangeism would proudly bear that colour throughout the island as persuasive promotion for Irish unity.
Big Jarlath is confident that he’ll be able to bring the unionists on board. It’s not as if Glenavon or Portadown are worth supporting any more.
One more thing: if we get the Ulster at last, ‘Geezer’ has promised to step down at the end of the season – then take the Louth job. And he won’t walk away after only three years.
Cavan
OK, OK, I know we still have more Ulsters than most of the other peasants, sorry, participants put together. However, we are aware that some scoundrels have cast doubt on our last couple of triumphs.
With our renowned generosity, we are prepared to replay both those finals as charity fundraisers at Kingspan Breffni (after the deduction of appropriate hosting costs, of course).
Obviously Joe Brolly must play for ‘Derry 1997′, whether or not any of his old colleagues are there. Joe draws the crowds.
And if we’re to get another title without an attendance, it’s only right to play ‘Donegal 2020′ in a separate money-spinner. As long as Murphy isn’t allowed out of retirement.
Derry
Now that we are winners again we don’t need to be just handed the trophy.
We promise to come up with an even more intriguing, innovative way to complete the treble. We’ve given you victory after extra time. We added the drama this year of a penalty shoot-out.
Next year we’ll put a motion forward to Congress to allow tied games to be decided by ‘Rock, paper, scissors’. We’ll probably bring in another Tyrone man to help us with the Rock part. Mickey says Ciaran Gourley will do it. As long as the County Board pays top rate for all the paper and scissors.
Donegal
With Jim McGuinness back in charge after years away writing newspaper columns and becoming a television pundit, Donegal will embark on a new era of engagement and openness with the media.
Making us Ulster champions will not only ensure plenty of soundbites, clicks, column inches, multiple memes, and songs soaring up the charts but will boost the economy too.
Success for Donegal will maintain jobs in the county’s 27 newspapers, seven radio stations, and three television channels.
We’ll even go halvers on royalties from the new chart-topper, ‘Jimmy’s Grinning At Matches’.
Down
30 years. Thirty blooming years. Three decades. Nearly 11,000 days. Around a quarter of a million hours. 15-odd million minutes. You can do the maths yourselves now to work out how many seconds. Ok – close to what the Yanks call a billion.
There’s probably some clock ticking away on the internet, some hilarious site created by an Armagh fan.
Come on. Have a heart.
We promise not to utter the phrase ‘The Down Way’ if we do win. Well, no more than 11,000 times anyway.
Fermanagh
Don’t make us beg.
It’s our turn, after all. Don’t be swayed by Down – forever is longer than 30 years.
Imagine the film version. ‘The Green Jerseys of Lough Erne’. Adrian Dunbar crooning the theme song.
The boost to Belleek pottery sales for replica trophies would be class. We could also sell statues of all the winning players – there are a few bags of concrete going spare.
OK, we’re begging you.
Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with bells on. How much space do we have left?
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssse.
Picture Colm O'Reilly.
Monaghan
Sure, this year was exciting. Staying up in Division One again. That hilarious last-gasp winning goal against Tyrone. Derailing the Armagh bandwagon. Nearly getting to the All-Ireland Final.
But we’re straight-talking men in Monaghan. We want that trophy. We don’t mind how we get it. Nine years is too long. We’re not flipping Down.
We wear white. We should be the bride again, not the bridesmaids.
Besides, ‘Mansy’ and ‘DQz’ really want to retire and start reaping the benefits of that free bus travel. They will take the trophy all around and won’t claim a cent in expenses.
Tyrone
You know it makes sense. It’s the only chance we all have of seeing Sam Maguire come back to Ulster. That’s not arrogance, boys, that’s just facts.
With the right amount of rest, we can once more be the best. There’s a catchy song chorus in that…
Besides, it’s not just pantomime season when people secretly love a villain. OK, they openly hate us, but every story needs light and shade.
Oh, and one more Ulster would take us above those Monaghan boys on the roll of honour. They like being nearly men.
:: Wishing all readers a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.