The Battle of the Boyne’s annual sham fight was relocated this week from Scarva to Stormont.
Normally held in the Co Down village on July 13, the Assembly’s sham fight was between Catholics and Protestants over whether they should support or oppose the Irish Sea border.
Just as the 1690 battle was about conflicting allegiances to either a European or an English king, the Irish once again fought with remarkable (and presumably patriotic) ferocity to show their competing foreign loyalties to either Britain or Brussels.
Pausing only to give themselves a hefty pay rise and additional money for their political parties, our politicians re-enacted the Boyne.
The MLAs then went off on their holidays, a fortnight before Christmas (presumably to spend more time with their increased salaries).
However, this sham fight was slightly different. Whereas in 1690, the Protestants fought for a European king, this time they supported the British monarch.
Catholics supported the English king in the original battle, but this week they stood with the European Union.
Welcome to medieval Stormont, where post-Reformation politics hang heavily in the air and MLAs’ blind allegiance to foreign powers outweighs responsibility for the well-being of those who foolishly elected them.
The Stormont argument (describing it as a debate might be libellous) was between two sets of unionists, one pro-Britain, the other pro-Berlin.
Catholic unionists support the EU because, according to the SDLP, it is a force for peace, even though the EU is the second largest arms supplier to Israel after the US.
EU Commission President von der Leyen has praised Israel for having “made the desert bloom”. The SDLP might like to redefine what it calls peace.
Had the Protestants known that the EU supports Israel, they might have sided with the Catholics, because Britain too supplies arms to Israel. So both sides support the same foreign policy without knowing it.
The soldiers at the original Battle of the Boyne had a better understanding of international affairs than MLAs.
The north is subject to EU control in over 300 areas of law, but we have no elected representation in Brussels. That, said the Protestants, is undemocratic, especially since the EU Commission is unelected.
That’s true, but the British monarchy, to whom they pledge allegiance, is also unelected.
In fairness, the Catholics did not criticise the undemocratic nature of the English king, perhaps because he is a close friend of Sinn Féin.
Instead they said that Brexit was undemocratic because it did not allow the north to dissent from the overall UK vote, even though they voted for union within the UK in the Good Friday Agreement (GFA).
Catholics strongly support the GFA, because of its requirements for cross-community support in all its major decisions – except last Tuesday, when they voted to retain the Irish Sea border by a simple majority. (Catholics do inconsistency so much better than Protestants.)
Anyway, said the Catholics, Britain’s post-Brexit economy only grew by 0.3% this year.
The Protestants did not know to say that Germany’s economy (the engine of the EU) contracted by 0.1% and that’s before Donald Trump has taken office. Facts can be such an inconvenience in an argument.
To offset the lack of local representation in Brussels, the SDLP wants to send observers to the European Parliament – presumably to see the lack of democracy close up.
Instead, Sinn Féin wants proper representation there, in a “parliament” which cannot initiate legislation, but can only vote on what the EU Commission sends it.
Meanwhile, the party refuses to attend a democratic parliament in London where it could make legislative proposals. Like beauty, democracy is in the eye of the beholder.
No-one pointed out that as taoiseach, Enda Kenny planned for post-Brexit, Irish-British co-operation through the electronic monitoring of cross-border trade (a system now widely used across Europe).
However his successor, Leo Varadkar dropped this idea and attacked Britain over Brexit, cheered on by Sinn Féin and the SDLP.
The Catholics in Stormont this week echoed Varadkar’s Mise Éire crusade by claiming it had kept the Irish land border open.
While they were speaking, gardaí were operating checkpoints along the “open” border to prevent the free movement of people.
Meanwhile, as the well-rehearsed, sectarian arguments were going on, there are over half a million people waiting on a first appointment with a medical consultant.
There are 60,000 homeless, 250,000 pensioners who will not receive winter fuel payments, and 100,000 children who will spend Christmas in poverty.
That’s the great advantage of a sham fight. It diverts attention from the sham Assembly.