AHEAD of the new English Premier League season, a look at the men tasked with taking charge of the 20 clubs. Five Spaniards (including four Basques), three Englishmen, two apiece from the Netherlands and Portugal, and one each of the following: Austria, Denmark, Greek-Australian, Germany-USA, Italy, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.
AFC Bournemouth: The support of pedants always ensures that Bournemouth, sorry, AFC Bournemouth start the season at the top of the table. It’s all downhill after that, but the astute management displayed in the last campaign by Andoni Iraola should keep them A-OK.
Arsenal: The Gunners will believe that they absolutely should be on top, and not just in alphabetical order. Manager Mikel Arteta will do anything to finish above his mentor Pep Guardiola – he even hired professional pick-pockets in pre-season to teach his players the need for awareness at all times. Hopefully honour among thieves will stop burglars targeting players’ homes on Champions League nights.
Aston Villa: Former Arsenal boss Unai Emery has taken Villa into the top European club competition too, although his continental magic has so far only applied to the Europa League, with both Sevilla and Villareal. Only a fool brought up in the Seventies would even consider calling him ‘Dick’.
Brentford: The Bees supporters will be, ahem, buzzing that Thomas Frank seems set to be the managerial equivalent of his striker Ivan Toney – linked with moves to bigger clubs but not gone yet. Don’t bet against the player heading somewhere else before the window closes though. Sorry.
Brighton & Hove Albion: Fabian Hurzeler arguably fills the German gap left by the departure of Jurgen Klopp from Liverpool – although the 31-year-old was actually born in the USA, before moving to Munich as a two-year-old (with his parents, he’s not that precocious).
Chelsea: Injuries shouldn’t present a problem for the latest name chalked onto the Chelsea manager’s revolving door, Enzo Maresca – unless he uses all the first team squad in training matches. Naming his line-out will not be easy; even remembering all his players’ names will be tough.
Crystal Palace: The last time Palace tried such a crunching gear change in managerial style, Sam Allardyce’s replacement Frank de Boer lasted only four league games. Oliver Glasner did much better last season when Roy Hodgson was pensioned off, though; rumours that the Austrian is breeding a two-headed eagle to celebrate victories at Selhurst Park appear just made up.
Everton: An emotional last season at Goodison Park awaits. The threat of having ‘the best ground in the Championship’ next year is more to do with off-pitch issues, with the uncertainty over the club’s ownership and financial future rumbling on longer than Sean Dyche clearing his throat after a severe bout of Covid.
Fulham: The most accessible ground in the division for visiting supporters, at least in terms of getting tickets. Manager Marco Silva is making himself at home too, starting his fourth season in charge, having previously had spells at Everton, Hull City, and Watford. He’s one of 72 former Hornets boss still alive.
Ipswich Town: A boss from Northern Ireland whose playing career was ended early by injury, who always tries to get his teams playing attractive football. Kieran McKenna will be happy to match the achievements of Brendan Rogers, but the Tractor Boys may be bogged down in a relegation rut.
Leicester City: ‘Everyone starts with the same points’ is a rallying cry for promoted teams – but the Championship champions, now under Welshman Steve Cooper may yet fear a deduction for financial issues relating to their last time in the top division. Calculators and spreadsheets at the ready again.
Liverpool: A new manager but no new players, Arne Slot is lucky in one respect - that he has no more hair to lose. Expect plenty of online arguments about which set of north-west Reds has the best/worst bald Dutch boss. Appropriately enough, at least he’ll keep headline writers happy.
Manchester City: As Pep Guardiola sets off on his ‘drive for five’, the number that many other clubs are interested in is 115, with all those charges of financial infractions supposedly to be considered soon. Anyone planning to fly ‘Bald Fraud’ banners should probably save their air miles though.
Manchester United: The Red Devils are aiming to avoid becoming the new Liverpool of old, if that makes sense – they don’t want to be only ‘a Cup team’ rather than genuine title contenders. To be fair to Erik ten Hag, his ambition is instead to make them the ‘new Ajax’ of old, by signing more and more players from his former club.
Newcastle United: Perhaps the funniest moment of last season was the Toon Army and players celebrating a return to Europe – then missing out when Manchester United won the FA Cup. Eddie Howe apparently isn’t interested in getting more stamps on his passport in the England job so the Magpies might fly higher and even collect silverware.
Nottingham Forest: Everything about Nuno Espirito Santo exudes monk-like calmness, including his name’s meaning (‘Holy Spirit’) and his beard below a bald pate. He may need that vibe, and a few prayers, if he’s to avoid the boot from a third Premier League club, after exits from Wolves and Spurs.
Southampton: Alex Ferguson will be pleased that Russell Martin’s presence means there’s still a Scottish boss in the English top flight after David Moyes again exited the West Ham job. Saints fans will be pleased that Martin’s team plays much more entertaining football.
Tottenham Hotspur: Supporters always want managers to ‘get’ their club and Ange Postecoglou certainly did that: attractive football had the fans crowing early before they fell off their perch and ended up with egg on their face, missing out on Champions League football again. Spursy.
West Ham United: Hammers fans aren’t as excited as you might expect about having a manager with Spain, Real Madrid, Sevilla, and Porto on his CV. In typical British fashion, they probably mostly think of Julien Lopetegui’s uninspiring spell at Wolves, but this time his owners are splashing the cash.
Wolverhampton Wanderers: The third of just those three English managers in the top flight, Gary O’Neil will have just one wish – that all the awful VAR decisions which went against his team last season go their way this term. He’d be better off howling at the moon.
